automatic

Sometimes when life is sooooo good and so full of blessings everything seems to be on automatic. Life feels so effortless at these times. I’m not about to say it doesn’t feel fair but when you’ve been in the wilderness and darkness for soooo long it is such a dramatic change it doesn’t always feel real. But I know it is real. I know it’s real because it is all founded in the belief that God has been and will continue to bless me. I hadn’t really considered it before but someone very dear to me said, “I thank God for the blessings that He is going to bestow upon me.” That’s just another reason to have hope isn’t it? Knowing that God is going to continue to bless you. Wow.

Something else that is becoming an automatic is the BCR/ABL or DNA reports as I call them. The one from April came back a few weeks ago and it is still showing zero traces of CML. Just another blessing…see why it’s hard to lose count? Of course you do! Being in the wilderness, darkness or going through a trial is something we are all bound to do. It’s inevitable, it’s unavoidable and it’s just part of life. What we do in the wilderness or trial is what really defines who we are and tests are faith. We know we cannot put our full and complete trust in man or things in this world. No one can live up to perfection….at least on this earth. I seem to be learning over and over and over about trusting God to take upon the yoke of burdens and just flat out trust him. SOOOOOOO hard to do when we have our own will to fight us the whole way. Well, just you reading this is a blessing cause I know you care and I hope you know that I care about you too. Also, I’ve always got time to pray for you…no matter how small or big it may be. Just share it with me……let me know you’re ok. Let me know how you’re doing. All comments to the blog have to be approved by me so put your prayer request in, I’ll pray for it and delete it. Never to be posted. You have my word on it.

Belated

Yesterday was Dad’s birthday. I think he would have been 78. In 1993 he went to heaven in a very peaceful way. I remember very vividly how I got the news. I was home alone sitting in the “captain’s chair” at my apartment. I was in school at Fairmont State and surprisingly enough was not out with my fraternity brothers partying like there was no tomorrow or doing community service work. Anyway, it had been a very quiet and peaceful evening. I had spent most of it just reading and relaxing. I remember that I sensed something was out of place but just ignored it. Then my Aunt Nancy called around 2am. I can still remember the sensation when the phone rang, the chilled dreadful feeling that came over my body and then looking at the phone and thinking, “this is not going to be good.” Well, you know what the call was…..Dad passed away. It was a long trip to Springfield, IL. Plenty of time to think and remember. One thing that stuck with me was what a great Christmas we just had. After years of poor communication and problems we were finally beginning to communicate well and there was a sense of reconciliation and forgiveness between us. It really was a father and son trying to start over and rebuild a relationship after years and years of misunderstanding and incomplete thoughts and feelings.  I really felt tremendous peace between us. I also remember thinking that his time may be at an end soon. His light had dimmed, his face wore signs of physical stress and his presence was fading. He was still full of love, happiness and laughter but I could tell something was wrong.

The funeral was held in Camp Butler in Springfield. It was a cold February day with a mix of rain, snow and heavy wind. Sitting here now I’m looking at his burial flag on the wall which is encased with three of the shells from his 21 gun salute. The shots ringing out add a tremendous “finality” to the funeral. I can still feel the cold brisk wind and being pelted with big rain drops and with the random big snow flake making thud noises on my coat.  I haven’t been back since. It would be nice to travel out there again to visit his grave, see Arlene and visit his still vivacious sister Corrine who is still a teenager in an 83 year old woman’s body.

It took a long time to grieve the loss of Him. There are several friends who read this blog that knew me then and can still only shake their head in amazement when reflecting how I finally dealt with it. Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the most healthy thing. Anyway, it took a very very long time and I hadn’t really and truly made amends with him until this past Christmas. 15 years is a long time to carry something like that around. There are many many people in this world that carry things their entire lives without resolution. I guess that’s why they say that not everything (trials) get worked out on this side of Heaven. I’m just happy to know that they will be worked out eventually. Well, Happy Belated Birthday Dad! I love you, miss you and know you are watching from above. I’m proud to be who I am and what impact you had on me to be the man that I am now. I look forward to reuniting with you in Heaven. Hopefully it will be after I live a long fruitful life myself.

Your Loving Son,

Chip

Impressive

I have been told that it is hard to impress me. I suspect that comes from having such high standards of myself and others. Well, God is teaching me that even the simplest blessings in life are impressive. It feels like a dichotomy though because our society and culture has SOOOO many unimpressive attributes. But! The impressive attributes are astounding!!! Ann Marie invited me to attend church with her Sunday evening and I must say that I was impressed! I admire and respect her relationship with God but it’s the church I was impressed with…..I’ve always known that Maranatha Fellowship Church was a great church and very filled with the spirit. In my family it is common to raise hands or reach out for God. That hasn’t been so with me! I’ve tried here and there but never really felt comfortable. That is until Sunday night! I raised my hands high and I felt God’s presence in me and definitely in the church. Powerful experience and a very moving one. Anyway, it is evident at Maranatha that the people are serious about their relationship with God and very filled with the spirit of God. It was very comfortable, it was a new experience. A very good one at that.  I guess what I’m getting at is this…..when we slough off the shackles of every day living in this world and truly try to connect to God we can see and feel things in a new and different way. We can experience our relationship with God beyond a conversation. We can actually engage in the Holy Spirit which is a very powerful experience and quite honestly it can be a bit scary. What is most important (at least I think so) is that we trust God and work to have a relationship with Him on all levels. Not just the ones that we are “comfortable” with or in. I know the relationship with God is subject to the individual and all I’m saying is that going to Maranatha on Sunday night opened my eyes and my heart even further for God. What else was impressive? The sermon. The sermon was led by a young man named BJ. Wow! That young man has a gift and we were blessed to receive it. I sent a message to the church requesting a copy of it so if I get one I’ll post it here on the blog. With that I leave you with the following requests: praise God, walk with God, trust God, receive and be thankful for His blessings and work daily to have “your” relationship with our God and Savior.

Chip

Other people

Seems like lately I’m really learning a lot from other people. I’ve begun to really notice the kindness in people. We often walk through life blind to what really exists inside other people. If you listen carefully, if you tune into to them and stop thinking and just listen you will learn amazing things. Just in the past two weeks I feel like I have really connected to people with big hearts. But it’s not just a big heart. A big heart is useless if you don’t share it with others, if you don’t let it drive your passions, if you keep it to yourself. Some of the people I have the most respect for have big hearts, real big brains and low tolerance for crap. I dig that. I really dig that! I think I know people with HUGE hearts and several of them keep it to themselves, they misinterpret it, they don’t know what to do with it. I think that is common. I know I’ve suffered from that before. For as long as I can remember I liked to give to people and give back to the community. Even through the wildest times in college our fraternity, Sigma Tau Gamma, was focused on community service. And now we have a generation of young adults entering the workforce with big hearts and a desire to make the world a better place. A large part of community service is driven by faith based organizations. Many people don’t like to “mix” religion in with the community service efforts because we don’t want to upset anyone. Funny because it always seems like it’s the people that don’t have faith or religion that are upset about this. Ironic don’t ya’ think? Even more interesting that many of the foundations of our culture come from the Bible like: don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t covet, etc. But many people don’t know that it came from the Bible. They think it was just some scholarly chaps back in the 1700’s drawing up neat idea that stuck. Often people stick to what they’re comfortable with which is often a warm fuzzy feeling with no real substance. I think we all are in the “place” at times. It’s the people that live there that are suffering. Sounds judgemental I’m sure to some people….tough, it’s my blog. Besides I’m filitering through the expectation God has of me to share my interpretations of life. Everyone has them, some are just much more powerful than others. Just ask those that interpret a quality life by knowing Jesus to those that are completely self-reliant, arrogant and don’t need anyone’s help because “they can handle it”. Didn’t work for me…..but that’s just me.

Unconditional

I have learned some invaluable lessons about loving others unconditionally over the past few years. I think I have lived the majority of my life being determined, being driven, being self-righteous, being focused on self and filtering my understanding of life through my experiences and interpretations of it. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t been kind or loving. It just means that I recognize that I most often lived life on my own terms. No, I’m not being hard on myself. I just recognize the breakdowns. Everything happens for a reason.

I believe we are in perpetual evolution and hopefully it is in an effort to become better people. Why are older people so wise? Because they have learned from their mistakes and hopefully evolved into better people. I work to bring out the best in people but don’t always do so. Not to control or manipulate….but to bring out the best that I see in people. That isn’t necessarily fair to others if it is not communicated appropriately. I don’t want to be perfect but I do want to accept and love others unconditionally. I have to work at it daily. Trusting the heart and instincts while practicing self-control is tough to do when what you filter life through is clogged. I think it’s also very important to respect the individuality of others and not push them unless they want pushed. We cannot live successful lives as lone wolves (as I interpret it) without good help from other people. Help has to be offered and accepted. If not, the breakdown starts there. I am working to filter everything through God first and trust Him.

Have a blessed day!

Chip

Trust

There have been many accounts in the past few years where I have had to absolutely trust God and thankfully, He always delivers. It may not always be in the way that I wanted or anticipated but He always delivers. I can think of MANY occasions in which I have asserted my own will only to be disappointed at the outcome. Go figure!!!  It is our human nature and free will that drives us in this way. I suspect that folks with some or even no religious practices might agree.  That’s for them to say as it is their own free will to make an assessment. Point is that sometimes we just need to relax and not force our will upon this life. I have found that when I am trying to force my will I have been less than inspirational which is not a common thread in cancer survivors. It is often said of cancer survivors that you should be prepared to be inspired. I have been humbled by the multitude of compliments for being inspirational. I can assure you there have been MANY times that I haven’t felt or been inspirational to others. Yes, I’m human and at the same time I feel responsible for my own actions and the outcome it has upon others. A friend recently told me that they were just doing what they were led to do. What a concept!!! Doing what we are designed to do in this life. I find it moving to think about people using their gifts to make a difference in the lives of others. Lately, I’ve been especially blessed to be in the company of these people and it is INSPIRATIONAL! Well, enough rambling. The point I wanted to make was that God delivered an answer to prayers that the Gleevec situation be resolved. He delivered several angels and they have collaborated to bring forth the solution. Thank you for your prayers!!

God Bless,

Chip